Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix:  REMIX!
by LadyPotter27
Summary: If you liked my Goblet of Fire...you'll certainly like this one. The entire movie basically a COMICAL summary of what it was.CAUTION: Coarse Language!


CHILDREN: (_plays with their mums)_

MUMS: (_plays with their kids_)

HARRY: _Hmph_, (**tear)**

DUDLEY: (_has __Eminem__ as his new idol)_ Yo.

HARRY: (_reaches for his wand_)

DUDLEY: Ah!

WEATHER: _grrrrgrrrrrr _(_becomes dark and rainy-)_

HARRY AND DUDLEY: (_find a cave, or tunnel, whatever_.)

_CAVE OR TUNNEL:_

LIGHTS: Potter's in the house! _Time to get scaryyyy_ (are off)

DEMENTORS: (are bald this time and do their usual creepy gestures. Some of them actually starred in _The Mummy_.)

DUDLEY: _Ha-iry?_

HARRY: _Shit._

DEMENTOR#1: (tries to dementor-rape Dudley)

DUDLEY: (_faints_)

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

STAG: (owns dementor #1)

FELLOW DEMENTORS: _AHHHHHHHHH….._

HARRY: (works some muscles and carries his pig cousin)

MRS FIGGS: This way, hurry up! And don't put that wand away because I know you're a wizard, and I'm not a witch but I know about them. Er- I am actually a squib.

HARRY: And you've been my neighbour for how long?

_\_

_DURSLEYS HOUSE:_

PETUNIA: DUDDERS?!

VERNON: _WTF DID YOU DO TO MY SON, POTTER_!

HARRY: Saved his life, and you're welcome?

DUDLEY: _H-he did m-m-m-mmmm-----_

HARRY: magic?

DURSLEYS: (T_HUNDERS_) _AHHHSHUTUPMAGICISABADWORD_

HOGWARTS LETTER: (flies into Harry's palms) _You have been expelled because you did magic. LoL. Sorry!_

HARRY: Fucking dementors.

_LATER THAT NIGHT:_

HALF OF THE ORDERS OF PHOENIX: (bursts into the house)

MAD EYE MOODY:Potter? You in here?

HARRY: Hi.

MAD EYE MOODY: Alright, good let's go kiddo. You're not safe here. Also, I think you are getting expelled.

HARRY: I just love good news.

_THEY FLY ON THEIR BROOMSTICKS, THROUGH BUSSES AND BUILDINGS AND LAMPOSTS SO THAT ALL THE LONDON MUGGLES CAN ADMIRE THEIR MAGICAL ABILITIES_

_THE GRIMMAULD PLACE:_

SIRIUS: Oh, my dear Godson! Welcome to my house!

HARRY: I like your house.

SIRIUS: Thanks!

HERMIONE: (_almost knocks down Harry_) HARRY!

RON: Omg, it's _HARRY_!

HARRY: Sup.

HERMIONE: How is your summer?

HARRY: I'm living in an absolute bliss.

RON: Look I'm sorry that we-

HARRY: (becomes angsty) _YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING THAT I AM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW!_

_AT THE HEARING:_

MR WEASLEY: Good luck, Harry, I swear you won't get expelled.

UMBRIDGE: (is a mix of Elle Woods and a _Crazy Old Cat Lady_) hehehe. I think Harry should get expelled.

OTHER WITHCES: I disagree!

FUDGE: (_sigh_)

DUMBLEDORE: (_comes into rescue_) I SAY HARRY GOES TO SCHOOL!

FUDGE: Ok well I guess he's innocent then.

HARRY: Er, Professor?

DUMBLEDORE: Anyways g2g! _See you at school!_

HARRY: …

_HOGWARTS EXPRESS:_

HERMIONE: I knew you'd win! Great job, Harry!

RON: Yeah! You always do the best!

HARRY: _IT WAS DUMBLEDORE NOT ME YOU FOOLS!_

HERMIONE AND RON: …

_HOGWARTS GROUNDS:_

CHO ON CARRIAGE: (is all _lovey-dovey_ and silently flirtatious and smiling)

HARRY: (d_rools_)

HERMIONE AND RON: (Also drools after Cho and her carriage)

HARRY: (at thestrals) _Wtf is that_?

HERMIONE AND RON: What? We don't see anything. You feeling alright?

HARRY: _Haha, Funny_.

LUNA: It's okay, you're not weird, I can see them too. They're thestals. They're actually my best friends in the whole wide world.

RON AND HERMIONE: _…_

LUNA: It's true, I talk to them every day, and I feed them and everything. And I can do this because I have seen _death_. Just like you, Harry.

HARRY: _(sigh_) _This year's gonna rock._

_GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM:_

SEAMUS: My mum didn't want me going to school because you're a bad ass liar, Harry.

HARRY: WELL YOUR MUM'S STUPID!

SEAMUS: Don't have a _**GO**_ at my mum, POTTER!

RON: (to Seamus) Hey, shut up, okay? Harry's going through some serious _man-pmsing_.

_UMBRIDGE'S CLASS: (in Harry's opinion, SUCKS)_

UMBRIDGE: Let's all read our little books and no wands because we're safe from the world!

HARRY: What about _**Voldemort**_, huh? He's back!

CLASS: (goes silent)

UMBRIDGE: Uh, did I just hear someone say something?

HARRY: YEA. **VOLDEMORT.**

UMBRIDGE: _LIAR_ DETENTION!

RON: Harry's having a bad term this year, isn't he?

_UMBRIDGE'S DETENTION:_

HARRY: (walks into the weirdest room)

UMBRIDGE'S ROOM: (is totally **pink**)

CATS ON THE WALL ER- INSIDE THE PLATES: _Meeooww_

UMBRIDGE: Oh hello, like my room? I got some of these plates from the _Mrs. Teapot._ You like?

CATS: _Meow, meow, meowwwwwww_

HARRY: Fuck I'm gonna die.

UMBRIDGE: Use this quill and write 'I must not lie'

HARRY: (writes and realizes the pain a bit too late) uh-wha-OW!

UMBRDIGE: Tea, dear?

HARRY: _Old Fucking Crazy Cat Bitch. _

_GREAT HALL:_

HERMIONE: Harry, omg, tell Dumbledore!

HARRY: Gawd, no!

HERMIONE: I have an idea, let's form a Dark Arts group!

HARRY: Whatever, okay?

HERMIONE: And you are the teacher!

HARRY: hey!

_FORBIDDEN FOREST:_

HAGRID: This is my brudda.

GRAWP: (is the size of a mountain troll shown in Movie One) _ARGGGG_

HERMIONE: Oh, he's lovely.

GRAWP: (takes Hermione in his hand) _GRRRR IM KING KONG GRR!_

HERMIONE: (in her mad, screechy, high frequency voice) _**PUT ME DOWN OMG!**_

GRAWP: (Puts her down.)

HERMIONE: Now, let's play some instruments with dumbbells.

HAGRID: (gets emotional) _Aww, you __**lurrve**__ him!_ (sniff)

_AT THE BAR:_

HERMIONE: Okay everyone, so we're making this group for dark arts, and Harry's gonna be the teacher, so who's in?

CHO: Me!

WEASLEYS and GRYFFINDORS: _ME!_

THE REST:…_fine!_ I'll do it.

HARRY: Nobody's asking you to, asshole.

CHO: (admiringly stares at Harry)

HARRY: _I'm kinda liking this group already._

_ROOM OF REQUIREMENT:_

HARRY: Okay, so it's not that hard, like just swish your wand sideways and say random things.

NEVILLE: I did it, Harry!

HARRY: Great, Neville, you've finally learned how to use your wand!

CHO: Oh, you make me_**nervous**_ Harry! (blushes and has the innocent-girl-charm-flirtatious thing going on)

HARRY: Here, let me hold your hand to make it better.

CHO: (drops Colin Creevy)

COLIN: _AH!_

CHO: You know, I'd totally kiss you if we weren't surrounded by a whole bunch of kids.

AFTER SEVERAL MEETINGS OF DA:

_ROOM OF REQUIREMENT DURING XMAS:_

HARRY: You guys leave, I'm staying behind to do some business.

CHO: (looks and _is_ quite emo, as throughout the entire movie, and is also lovingly staring at her handsome, dead boyfriend **Cedric (**who's quite the looker's picture and waiting to kiss Harry, _DANIEL RADCLIFFE_. Lucky bitch she is, yes girls?)

HARRY: So, Cho, what's up?

CHO: Look, mistletoe. Up there. Right above our heads. Isn't that cute?

HARRY: _Nargles!_

CHO: _huh?_

HARRY: Never…mind.

CHO: ok, good, because you were totally ruining this atmosphere.

HARRY and CHO: (**KISS** for literally _five_ minutes, their tongues getting some heavy, wet exercise.)

_AZKABAN:_

BELLATRIX: AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!! IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (Very much resembles her Burtonized character in her other movie, _Corpse Bride_)

(_oh, and her eyes are sizes of golf balls. No joke_)

_GRYFFINDOR ROOM:_

RON: Wait, so dude, you _**kissed**_ her? OMG YOU KISSED A GIRL! _**What's it like**_?

HARRY: Wet.

RON: (faints)

HERMIONE: Yeah, she's a tad bit depressed lately.

HARRY: a _**tad **_bit?

_OCCULEMENCY LESSON:_

SNAPE: You are _afraaiiiiid.._

HARRY: (indignant) I am so _**not!**_

SNAPE: Then prove it (goes through Harry's thoughts, basically his entire life)

HARRY'S THOUGHTS: _Hogwarts-death-Hogwarts-Cedric's death-Hogwarts- Kissing Cho-Voldemort twitching his head in a suit at the train station along some kind of disco music._

HARRY: ARGG STOP! (_penetrates into __Snape's thoughts_)

SNAPE'S THOUGHTS: (Snape used to be this hot emo kid with hair in his face, looking very poetic under a tree)

NOT-SO-HOT JAMES POTTER: (needs to get contacts) _Ahaha Snivellus!_

NOT TOO BAD-LOOKING LILY: Stop it!

YOUNG EMO SNAPE: (turns upside down) _I hate my life._

LILY: _STOP IT!_

_BTW, everything goes too fast_

SNAPE; BACK IN THE DUNGEON: (is furious) How fucking dare you, Potterrrr!!!

HARRY: Uh, _oops._

_DA MEETING (LAST): _

HARRY: Where is Cho?

MALFOY and INQUISITORIAL SQUAD LED BY UMBRIDGE(_who, by the way, never seems to change out of her pink uniform_): (bursts in) HAHAHHAHAHA I GOT YOU!

HARRY: _Shit_

MALFOY: And look who else I got, _**and told me**_ about this! Your girlfriend, CHO! Haha!

Tom Felton Fans: _FINALLY. HE'S ON SCREEN!_

HARRY: (is heartbroken)

_DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE:_

UMBRIDGE: So who's idea was this??

DUMBLEDORE: Mine. I told them to make it. To attack the ministry?

THE MINISTRY PPL: _Wtf_? Seriously?

DUMBLEDORE: (_nodd_)

FUDGE: You're arrested.

HERMIONE: (starts to carry on her clever scheme) –sniff-

UMBRIDGE: What's wrong girl?

HERMIONE: We _do_ have a weapon. In the Forbidden Forest. Will you go there with us, unarmed, entirely by yourself with three of us?

UMBRIDGE: (fuming)_ yes. _

HARRY: Oh and I think Sirius is in danger. With _Voldemort_. Fucking _**jackass**_, he has to show up every year.

_THE FOREST:_

UMBRIDGE: HOW _FAR_?

HERMIONE: _Soon!_

CENTAURS: Oh look, _mmm_** humans**.

UMBRIDGE: Stupid _half-breeds_! Quit checking me out!

CENTAUR WITH NICE ABS: uh excuse me? Who's checking who out?

UMBRIDGE: (gets attacked)

TRIO: MUAHAHHAHA

LUNA AND GINNY AND NEVILLE: (comes..out of nowhere) Let's go find Sirius!

HARRY: Uh, okay.

_MINISTRY OF MAGIC:_

GROUP: (Runs down the corridor.) Which room? Which room?

HARRY: THIS ROOM!

ROOM WITH CRAZY BRAINS: (is cut out due to timing and budget)

ANYWAY: (There is a crystal room)

NEVILLE: Look at this shiny thing! It's got your name on it!

HARRY: (holds up the prophecy) I don't know what it is, but it's_ shiny_!

LUCIUS: (could be the new face of _Herbal Essence_) GIVE THAT BACK BOY!

HARRY: Never!

LUCIUS, BELLA and GANGS: _THEN ITS WARRRRRRRR!!_

_THEY FIGHT, Each holding wooden sticks, "wands", which may seem a bit silly on the eyes of muggles._

ORDER OF PHOENIX: (bursts in) We're HEREEEE

SIRIUS: _I'm here too_!

HARRY: Wtf? Sirius? I thought you were like, being _tortured_ or something-

SIRIUS: My Godson, I love you! (_clearly, their godson/father relationship hasn't been emphasized enough in the films as much as the books, and everything is very awkward_.)

HARRY: Er, me too.

BELLATRIX: I KEEL YOU!

SIRIUS: Ah! (dies)

HARRY: _BIIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHH_ (and everything goes silent and is in slow motion, like those old corny horror movies)

LUPIN: (after moments of silence) Ok Harry, time to go.

HARRY: IM GONNA KEEL YOU CRAZY WOMAN!

BELLA: (_is genuinely evil and have mastered the art of witch-laughing_)

_More Fighting_

VOLDEMORT: Did ya miss me?

LUCIUS and GANG: _masterrr…_

VOLDEMORT: And Harry Potter, you _dieeeee!!!_

HARRY: (becomes err…possessed??)

VOLDEMORT: (Does something with his wand)

_Silver Lights are everywhere and a lot of debris in the air_

HARRY: (_Daniel Radcliffe has gotten better with acting. Perhaps his role as a horse-pedophile might have helped?) _Neverrrrrr

VOLDEMORT: (does his evil laugh)

HARRY: (_has his flashbacks again, showing a lot of (yay!) Cedric_)

DUMBLEDORE: _**NUH UH, **__NOT TOO FAST SONNY!_

VOLDEMORT: Shiiiiiiitt it's _you_!

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, it is_ I. _

_They have a battle. _

_Dumbledore Wins._

VOLDEMORT: _I'll be back next year!!!!!_

HARRY: Totally looking forward to it.

_BEFORE SCHOOL ENDS:_

HARRY: Well, time to go home now.

HERMIONE: Yea, good job this year.

HARRY: Seriously, don't mention it. I officially hate my life.


End file.
